Parental Regret: The Unspoken Side of Parenthood
Parenting remains one of the most rewarding roles in life. Most, if not all parents agree that the sacrifices, pressures, and costs of bearing and raising a child are worth it. But in a study where parents were asked if they’d go through parenting one more time, the majority said no.
Admitting you regret having children is a huge taboo. It’s highly unspeakable and quickly subjects you to criticism. People call you selfish, horrible, abnormal, and sometimes — a monster. More so if one declares not ever wanting to become a parent.
Just take at how the majority reacted negatively to Cristina Yang, actress Sarah Oh’s character in the TV series Grey’s Anatomy. She was an independent, career-driven, highly skilled surgeon, who made clear she wanted no children.
She doesn’t want to have children not because she’s incapable of loving them, but because she knows she’s not the kind of mother her children deserve. She knows her future children will fall second to her affection towards her job. And she’s 100% sure she can’t sacrifice her life and career for her children.
On the contrary, most couples only realize the cost and sacrifices of having children after becoming parents. They become more prone to parental burnout, which translates to wishing they never became parents in the first place.
But since parents should never admit exhaustion in parenthood, those who bravely admit regret experience emotional crises. “Am I a bad person for wishing I was still single?” “Does this mean I don’t love my child enough?”
People don’t talk about the ugly side of parenting enough that those who feel it think they’re alone.
Regretting having children does not make you a bad person.
Parental regret, in general, isn’t a green flag. But regret is a natural human emotion. It’s not something that goes away with singlehood.
It’s impossible not to experience emotional turmoil with the day-to-day struggles of becoming a parent. The regret especially hit those who weren’t prepared for the realities of having children.
It shouldn’t be something that should question whether they’re a good parent or not. A parent can feel regretful but still shower their children with love and care. A parent can think her kids are incredible but still miss the freedom of not having them sometimes.
Ultimately, regret is understandable as long as the love for the children weighs more. This is also why society should discuss parental regret enough to inform parents that it’s real but fleeting.
But while some regret stems from the struggles that come with parenthood, some wish they never had children because it’s not something they wanted in the first place. Some were victims of rape, had children with special needs, were battling depression, or had abusive partners. And they wish they weren’t in that situation because it’s what could’ve been better for everyone.
Parenthood is a big, irreversible decision.
Regret over having children is a highly unpleasant feeling. No parent would ever want to feel that way.
So to avoid arriving at this ugly truth, married couples should realize that parenthood isn’t a requirement. It isn’t something they should feel obligated to do, nor because they believe children will be their ultimate source of happiness and fulfillment.
They must be fully aware that having children can alter their financial situation and potentially, their marital status. Because while stereotypical mindsets suggest that having children brings couples closer, the opposite happens. Children become their top priority, not time together as a couple.
Simply put — couples must only decide to have children if they’re prepared emotionally, mentally, and financially, and if they’re 100% certain it’s something they’re cut out to do.
That way, parental regret may still be a possible scenario, but it wouldn’t be as common as when couples sign into parenting blindly.
